“make a map,” she says
and already i am lost.
i understand what's being asked;
i don't know if it's possible to make a map of feelings.
diligently i assemble a list of parts:
title, scale, orientation, legend, border.
it's a representation of something
or of some place
in relation to
some other thing or
some other place.
start simple i hear myself say.
use a title to identify location, purpose, themes
unmappable!! my brain offers up,
delighted by its own rebellion, and
the rest spills out of me
faster than i can decide where to put it
or what to put it next to.
authoritative and dramatic my mind passionately insists
there is no container for feelings this expansive
no scale that will help an observer understand
the real world measure of my intensity.
before i can respond
a part of me sneers;
and tells me that i am too self-absorbed and
unworthy
of
taking
up
s p a c e .
she tells me
i’m obnoxious to even consider
mapping it out.
another part insists that i
must make a map –
a map that helps others who are lost find their way.
welcome to the land of double binds and paradoxical feelings!
my mind announces
taunting me.
in this place
up means down
and go means stop
and the compass cannot choose
one
true
north.
i do not know how to make a map of being in two places at once.
what topography can i use
to represent infinite directions and
immeasurable depths?
how can I accurately delineate a landscape
that is both undulating
and in a straight line?
what legend will decode this lushly barren terrain?
i do not like borders and
feel
stifled
by
lines: i only ever want to colour outside of them.
and
i want to show you
and draw you (in)
and i want to help you understand
how and why and where and when
my feelings populate
and take up
all
the
space inside me.
i want to teach you how i use them
and how they help me to find my way
even when i don’t know where i’m going.
Bio
candida moreira
candida moreira is a portuguese-canadian writer, therapist & tedx speaker who thrives at the intersection of language and feelings. she is passionate about smashing stigmas and encouraging folks to move through the world owning all of who they are. she has a knack for complicating things, colouring outside the lines, and taking the scenic route. her poem “covid pants” was recently published in the things they wrote, a community project featuring healthcare workers put out by ROOM: A Sketchbook For Analytic Action. you can connect with her at www.candidamoreira.com or on IG @thefeelingswhisperer